Psychologically tired

I’m tired. This is not an ordinary tiredness. I’m not gasping due to physical tiredness, but I’m becoming more and more psychotic due to psychological tiredness that I am feeling since 2 months ago.

It’s not a self-imposed tiredness. It is real. I’m tired that my body insists that it is despite the type of job I’m in. My neck is aching. The muscles at my back always remind me that I am tired, that I need to lean my back to bed longer, that I need to attend to my personal agenda like seeking medical advice, and that I need to be more physically active, say play basketball or badminton.

It’s my mind that tells the most. The longer I postpone my vacation leave, the more that my mind tells my body to insists to take a rest. I can’t give full focus to my job, that I usally report for work late for at least an hour. And I can’t sit on my swivel chair for at least an hour.

I already submitted my vacation leave application form, but my partner has not signed it yet. Worst scenario would be I will not report for work on those days indicated in my form, despite the absence of his approval.

April fool

Today is April 1st. The most appropriate day to fool somebody. It is, however, the worst time to fool yourself. Like what I am doing now.

At 4:37 am in the morning, I am still in this office hell called SGV. No, I am not being too punctual for the Maundy Thursday work. It’s just that, I should be here up to this time from 10:00 am the previous day.
No one really cares if I go home this early (or late) of Maundy Thursday, except for my complaining body, and my complaining brain.

Yes, my head is already aching, as a result of three straight days of going home, uhhmm so late (or so early). What this SGV has that my affection to it never fade and that I force my body to work for 16 hours a day? It has nothing. We are just fools. And the month of April is the month of fools. Look at us. Every April of the year, everybody’s fooling ourselves, denying ourselves of sleep and rest, and denying ourselves the luxury called L-I-F-E.

Same old story

While sitting here at the gate 4 of Mactan International Airport, I remembered the past years that I’ve been here.

It was 2005 when I first stepped in this majestic city of the South. We paprticipated in the annual convention of JPIA, held at Cebu Grand Hotel. Not that I liked this city so I keep coming back here. It’s because of the call of duty. I again reached this city in 2008, in time for our interim procedures for one of our clients here. I was here during our first anniversary, when we should have watched Sarah’s concert on the 8th of November.

I’m here again last October, for another interim audit season for the same client. And again, right now, as I type the thoughts coming out of my head, I’m here, sitting and enduring the boredom, at the Mactan International Airport. It is February 13, a day before the day allotted for lovers. I’m missing Jhen again. Oh, how I hate this job.

The wish that was never granted

Another year passed, and I grow one year older last Friday. Yes, it was my birthday that day. And the only treat I gave myself was to stay out of the office. Rest for a day. That’s the best treat I can think of, better than material things that can be given.

A year ago, I wished that I’d be given the ultimate happiness I’ve been longing for the past 3 years. I wished that I’d be given the chance to get out of this hell called SGV, and earn the salary I deserve, and live the life that I deserve. It was never granted. Maybe because I lacked follow-up to Him. Or worse, I already lost faith to Him.

The past year was the worst year I ever had. I made so many lousy decisions. I couldn’t name them all, but the worst decision I made I think is getting something that is not yet due. Now, I’m in a mess. With that thing, my conscience does not allow me to concentrate with my work. And my performance is really shrinking.

Now, I feel that everything and everyone was getting back at me for revenge. A bad karma. I’m doomed. And I can’t avoid it. I’m thinking of running away, to avoid these, to forget these. How? I was locked in this prison, with no one I can trust to share my problems with. I felt so heavy everytime I enter this building. I felt heavier when I noticed I was alone in our area, and the thought of my sin burns me like I was really in hell.

My brain isn’t working. It’s already stagnant. And I can’t think of another thing to tell. I’m depressed. I need rest. I need help.

Baboy!

It’s not the year of the pig. This year is the year of the Ox.

That left me wondering why those s**ts are treating this year as theirs. Here is the best example: 57 people were murdered in Maguindanao – like pigs.

I still cannot understand this world. Everybody’s claiming somebody else’s possession. People are acting like no other than pigs.

Now that busy season is coming, pig-like attitudes are also expected. There are people that are really acting like pigs. Two, three or more of them have a body built like pigs.

Kill me now

I was scheduled to go to one of my clients tomorrow for fieldwork. My agenda really, is to make final touches to our interim procedures, where some of the procedures were not completed in the time allotted.

There is no issue between us and that client. The issue is with my superior – the one controlling me in my previous post. After all that happened, I don’t want to see her face anymore. I still cannot understand why. Maybe because she caused me to get frustrated with myself. She wakes up the insecurities inside me, and caused me to look down to myself.

Whenever I am with that client, I feel useless. I feel that I know nothing. And that is caused by her treatment to us during our past fieldworks. She ripped me of my confidence and of the remaining respect I have to myself. I don’t want to feel that over and over again. That is why, I don’t want go there as much as possible. I am just starting to redeem myself, part of it is my decision to resign from my post.

It is not only because “I want to live while I am alive,” I also want to live with honor and pride.

Now that I am asked to report to her again for that fucking engagement, please kill me now. I’d rather get killed than go there.

Funny

It is interesting to note these intertwined words from Ilocano and Tagalog dialects. Each of the words below have either Ilocano or Tagalog meanings:

Ilocano Term                                                     Equivalent in Tagalog

Uttot                                                                      Utot

Utot                                                                        Daga

Daga                                                                        Lupa

Wala lang.

By the way, on Sunday, Condring’s first son will be christened. I will be one of the Ninongs. I am thinking what the kid will call me soon when he grows up. Lolo or Ninong. Or better yet, Lolo Ninong.

Besting others

How to become the best?

It is my fourth audit core skill training, and IS the last. I completed the four trainings and the best accomplishment so far is that I was with the best group twice. The sad thing is, I was never been the best individual performer.

It is not a big deal really. But it caught my curious mind. What best really means?

I have observed the best performers in the three trainings we attended. And I have concluded that, to be the best, one MUST have TONS of self confidence. I have never seen a shy people like me who was judged as best performer. It is not enough that you have the intelligence, or the skills. “Puskol rupa” really helps.

Would that mean that I would never be the best performer? Given that I have tons of shyness, I will never be the best in the eyes of the training instructors. But in myself, I am fully aware of my capabilities. I just can’t speak it out.

The Italianos’ crisis

During the night of the 63rd Anniversary of SGV, we were at the Seattle’s Best at the Mall of Asia. This was a time of celebration for the promotion of our batch mates (including Louie) to Senior Associates.

Sabrina with the Italianos

At the midst of our celebration, we wore the shirt customized by Jay-R, specially designed for the three of us (I, Louie and JR). The night should be at the celebration mode. But I can’t keep on thinking about the next few months ahead. I always relate our group to that of the Powerpuff Girls (Boss Tin, Boss Janice and Boss Annette). Of the three of them, only Boss Tin remained with the firm.

Being together is not forever.

Jay-R already resigned. It might be very sad, and the thought of it really saddens me, but I’m certain that we are fated to be like those girls. The remaining question is who will be the Boss Tin between me and Louie.

Isang Taon Na!

This day marked the first year of this blog.  Looking back at the year that was, here is the list of my top 5 unforgettable posts:

1. Subsidiary
2. Please See Me
3. At War
4. Card
5. A Bus Story

I still remember the time when I received an email denouncing my impression about the group of people I mentioned in A Bus Story. They gave me a kilometric list of reason why I should not look at them that way.

The top two posts are somewhat controversial in our office. I have hidden it for public viewing for a while. When they were already burried by three or more posts, I opened it for public. Now, you can see all posts. No more hidden items.